Your Family Matters : Early Childhood

"Childhood Fears"

drkanner — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 19:16:00 GMT

Watch this segment live on FITM this Monday, October 23rd between 8:00 and 8:30a.m.

Background: Four-year old Thomas was always described as a happy go lucky infant and toddler. Loved and adored by all, except perhaps by his older sister by two years, Stephanie, his development was unremarkable. He did go through the expected negativism, also known as the "terrible twos", between ages two and three, as a means of demonstrating wished for autonomy, but by three and a half, became more compliant when asked to follow rules. In fact, the central theme of his fantasy dress up play was him being a Policeman arresting his sister and parents when they did not comply with known house rules. His father was convinced that he might become a judge someday. One noted change from his mother was that he did not seem to get "overly angry" any longer and both parents were both relieved, yet puzzled. Then something very interesting began to emerge. Just prior to Thomas's fourth birthday, he developed two distinct fears: the dark and the concept that monsters were living in his closet. Convinced that he must have seen something too scary for him on television, his parents became much more careful about the content of the shows he would watch thereafter. Nevertheless, the fears continued and he also began having periodic night terrors. Here, Thomas began to become much more sensitive at nighttime and needed extra support when going to bed and much assurance that everything was all right. Each night he made his dad open his closet, turn on the light, and wave his tennis racquet around a few times to scare the monsters away so Thomas could go to sleep. Baffled, both parents did remember that Stephanie also went through a period of acute fears and seemed to "grow out of them" by age five, but they were very concerned about how worried Thomas had become.

Such a story is common in most households with children between the ages of three and five. In fact, it is during these ages where fears are actually normal and an expected part of development. The reason is that in this stage of development children are developing their Conscience and internal conflicts become evident in their minds for the first time in their lives. Here, their minds are attempting to negotiate between strong opposing forces. On the one hand are strong feelings such as anger and on the other is a voice from a newfound conscience telling them they must follow rules and be good bosses of their feelings. For the young mind, this can be confusing for they have difficulty differentiating thought from action. In other words, when a three year old thinks about anger, they fear impulse and often times do act out due to immaturity. This is because thay are in a stage of cognitive development predominantly filled with fantasy. The development of their conscience serves to help modulate this interaction and "fear" then often becomes the factor that prevents the child from impulse. In other words, the fear stops the child from feared acting out. The adult conversion of this process is guilt. The obvious pain that is often noticed by the caring parent as their child goes through this stage of development indicates that this "new" conscience is relatively harsh, which once again is normal. However, as time moves forward, the Conscience tends to settle down and not be as venomous when the child is experiencing strong feelings such as anger and the fears tend to dissipate during years five to seven. Reality thinking becomes more prominent over fantasy thinking and the typical child then has internalized a less harsh conscience but is still insistent on people following the rules, but does not become overly fearful when they are experiencing strong affects such as anger.

Key Points

1. Fears between ages 3 and 5 are normal and expected
2. Fears are evident of a developing Conscience
3. Childhood fears extinguish usually by ages 6 to 7
4. Parents can help by being supportive/nurturing
5. Fears and Phobias after ages 7 are symptoms of anxiety beyond normal development

Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox6 News - San Diego

"Signs of Kid Burnout"

drkanner — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 14:30:00 GMT

Watch this segment live on FITM this Monday, October 16th between 8:00 and 8:30a.m.

Background: 10 year-old Brian has always been considered a high achiever. Historically an excellent student and athlete, both he and his parents have consistently expected pristine performance and compliance towards whatever activity Brian dedicates himself towards. In a typical year, aside from a full and typical school day, he has also been enrolled in a multiple activities both after school and on the weekends. Last year he played afterschool soccer, had both a piano and guitar lesson every week, was taking Spanish lessons, and was additionally involved in his church group. Both Brian and his parents had been equally invested in his "busy" schedule. The only complaint that Brian ever made was that he had very little time to spend with friends and also really never had any time to "just relax". This type of scheduling had been habitual for Brian since he was 4 years old and his parents have always taken pride in Brian's accomplishments. Brian too seemed to feel accomplished as well. This year however, some changes were observed and concerns were raised by two of Brian's teachers at his school. Brian's mood and attitude seemed to significantly shift about a month into school. His typical high spirits and participation had been replaced with a sense of flatness and fatigue. His head was often seen as slumped, and his body language was described as "droopy" In addition, the quality of his work was slipping from superior to average and he had seemed to lose his typical love of school. At home, Brian for the first time had become resistant to practice piano and guitar and his soccer coach told his parents that he seemed to be "in outer space" when on the field. Such radical changes were discussed between Brian and his parents and the only thing that Brian could acknowledge was that he felt really "tired" and did not feel well.

This example highlights a common condition referred to as "Kid Burnout". Familiar in the literature are studies about adult conditions of occupational burnout, but very little has been in the research about this condition in children and adolescents despite both parents and educators alike have experienced frequent conditions like the one portrayed in the Brian example.

The general cause of burnout is due to an over-extention in one's capacity to normally function. When this level has been reached, which is highly subjective, psychological and often physical symptoms develop which can be as subtle as mood changes to more significant conditions such as physical illness. Ironically, the underlying intentions about heavy schedules and numerous activities and interests are in efforts of allowing children a wide range of activities to enrich their lives. In fact many times, high energy children ask for more and more and their parents sign them up for activities to make them happy and then feel guilty when their children become disgruntled when they begin to dislike the activity they wanted so badly.

As discussed in the adult literature, burnout is avoided by balance in one's life. The difference with adults and children however, is that children usually do not have the capacity to balance themselves and need their parents to use their intuition about their child to decide what is or is not too much, even if their child might desire the contrary. It is better to have a child who may be a little disappointed with their parents about not signing them up for too many activities than a child who becomes symptomatic due to burnout. There is always next year when a child can try something new and when parents help their children balance, this becomes a trait that internalizes in the child which then can eventually be independently practiced. Furthermore, the parents of the child also need to demonstrate balance in their lives for children will frequently imitate what they observe in their parents.

Major Signs Of Burnout In Kids:

1. personality changes
2. a newfound lack of interest
3. sad or consistently tired mood
4. attentional problems
5. changes in the quality of performance
6. physical complaints/fatigue
7. statements of dislike

Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox6 News - San Diego

Helping Children Be Good Bosses Of Their Feelings

drkanner — Mon, 01 May 2006 03:32:00 GMT
Much has been written in the literature about "Anger Management" involving adults as well as multitudes of various treatment programs designed to either redirect impulses or attempt to help the individual find internal means of calming themselves down. With children however, they are in need of the important adults in their lives to help them learn both how to identify emotions within, place words to their existence, modulate their internal sensations, and express them appropriately. This process is one which begins when the child is in the second year of their life once they have determined that they are a separate entity than their parents. This advent of self-discovery is both exciting but also frustrating as the toddler becomes aware of their limitations given their size and dependence on adults. The common term of the "Terrible Twos" is a familiar experience for most families and centers on the task of learning how to tolerate frustration. This is a process that the child is not independently capable of achieving alone and needs the assistance of their parents or caregivers to help them learn how to "self-soothe" and "regulate their emotions". Parents who do not understand the necessity of this task and ignore this critical period of development can expect their child to develop potentially serious problems in their development often resulting in both psychological and behavioral disorders which can last a lifetime. In fact, many adults who suffer from "anger management" never developed this early capacity to "self-regulate" early in their childhood. Of course, various factors other than optimal parenting can help explain why a child has difficulty with managing frustration and aggression, such as their inborn temperament, but neverthe less, parents who help their children develop the capacity to "self-soothe" or "self-regulate", often produce children who are high functioning and do not develop serious future behavioral or psychological problems.

So, how do parents help their young child learn to self-regulate and soothe. First, it begins with the initial parental response to their child's experiences with stress and anxiety. Parents who attempt to relieve their child's distress early, when they cannot do this themselves (Infancy through roughly 2-years), help the child experience the sense of stress reduction. This process of external calming, usually through the use of words and holding, when a child is upset, becomes internalized and slowly repeated internally by the child. Over time, the child will learn to do this him or herself without the physical presence of the parent. Second, parents who put words to their child's emotions for them, help the child learn to place a verbal label on an internal sensation. This offers the child another way of managing their feelings, namely by using words which can be both calming and also can help them obtain outside assistance when needed. The use of words also helps in the development of thought processing. Typically when people think about their feelings, action becomes less likely. Third, parents who help their child express their feelings appropriately once they are identified, by use of words, and also by placing them onto something constructive (i.e. a picture; sports) are teaching their child how to "sublimate" their emotions into a healthy endeavor which additionally helps the child calm down. Forth, setting limits when a child becomes too upset, assists the child in learning boundaries which helps them feel less anxious and also teaches them consequences. Finally, parents who are good models of managing feelings and expressing them appropriately set an external example for their children which also becomes internalized as most children wish to become like their parents.

Parents who follow these types of criteria tend to produce healthy and happy children who become healthy and happy adults as well.

Helping Kids Be Good Bosses Of Their Feelings
1. relieve their stress and anxiety in the 1st two years of life
2. put words to your child's emotions
3. make feelings okay
4. teach them how to express their feelings with words
5. help them find appropriate ways to invest their aggression (i.e. sports)
6. set limits when necessary to help them feel safe
7. be a good model yourself

Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox6 News

JUNE SHOWS NOTES: I am looking for guests to come and talk to me about experiences with living with teenagers. I hope to have both the parents and teenager come and talk to me about their differences and ways to get along better. Please send me an e-mail if you are interested in coming onto my show.