Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this segment live this Monday, October 12th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning
With the recent
traffic fatality last week in Rancho Santa Fe, most everyone has been in a
state of both agony and shock that once again a group of well-liked and admired
teenagers were involved in a horrible accident that left one boy dead and
others injured. Unfortunately, these horrible stories happen at least once a
year and we all ask ourselves where are we going wrong. Why can’t we better protect our youth
from placing themselves and others in peril?
I have spoken to dozens of both
teenagers and parents alike who either knew these boys and their families and
all of them are understandably both in shock and bewilderment. All collectively share in the empathy
towards the Capozza family and wonder how a family can possibly recover from
the loss of a child. They can’t.
Losing a child is considered the worst possible loss any parent could envision.
It is nothing less than a part of yourself dying while you are still
alive.
Most of the teenagers I have spoken
to over the past week, whether they knew these boys or not have been effected
by this tragedy. How could they not be?
How could any invested parent or any teenager not be sickened and
saddened and worried about their own kids and themselves and friends based on
being a parent or teenager who has friends? They can’t and they shouldn’t. After all, we are all in this together as parents raising
children trying to do the best we can, and adolescents also are invested in protecting
their friends too. And empathy and
identification from the teenagers and adults alike towards each other is a
healthy and needed part of developing into a healthy person.
For years as educators, clinicians,
and even in the media, we try to teach and share experiences in order to try to
enrich both personal responsibility and hopefully save lives. The very same movies that my generation
watched in driver’s education are the same that are viewed today. I still remember watching “Red Asphalt” when I was a Junior in high school and the effect it had on me. But, over the years, we have expanded on trying to
bring this “personal” experience home to our adolescents. One student told me this past week that
at her school, they actually placed the crashed car which killed one of her
friends last year on the quad in the middle of the school to try to remind the
students NOT to drink and drive.
The bad news is that she told me that the parties still continue and
many teenagers at her school still get drunk and drive. The demolished car still remains on the quad.
Nevertheless, such personal
connections is what saves lives.
In fact, the closer one is
to witnessing a horrible event, the less likely it will happen to them for they
feel “closer” to the experience and can better relate to the consequence. This is perhaps one of the most
important , yet painful life lessons. The problem however is how can we get
both adults and teenagers alike to better connect to these experiences on a
personal level without having to go through a crisis?
Here is where we have to look at the
differences between adolescents and adults and also take into consideration
individual differences. It is true
that there are some teenagers who are mature-enough to demonstrate good judgment,
are clear thinkers, and make good decisions at least most of the time. However,
these folks are very mature for their age and usually have parents who have
managed to balance being protective-enough with allowing some room for
exploration but not in dangerous ways.
But, on the other hand, we
need to understand that an adolescent is NOT an adult and should not be placed
in situations that they may not be able to handle without the helpful hand of
their parents. How many adolescents do you know who are really that mature? I’m counting about 5 or 6 I can think
of and the rest are still in the “normal” phase of developing and trying to
figure out who they are and how to deal with typically strong emotions and
situations which tend to alter judgment.
The bottom line is that we have to
keep trying to find ways to teach our teenagers about the facts of life in
hopes of making them “think” before they act, but we have to do more, because
we are not doing enough.
Parenting needs to be a full time
job, nothing less. Despite
children and adolescents striving towards being their own person, pushing us
away, hating our guts when we say “
NO”, they need us to be the strong ones when
they can’t. In other words, we
need to be the adults when they are still the kids. We have to be the ones who look ahead when they do not have
the capacity to do so. We all want
our children to be mature and relish in their accomplishments, but we need to
remember, they are “not fully cooked” until they have reached adulthood. If I was teaching Parenting 101, this
would be my opening line.
But, even more than having such a
personal investment in your child, we need to help each other out. In other words, as parents of children
and teenagers, we need to be on the same team – the "good" parenting team. Imagine that if as collective parents,
we had the best interests at heart for all children and teens, how much safer
we would all feel? Take the
example of a group of teenagers all “hanging out” at someone’s house and as
parents we all followed the same basic rules: safety, protection, and an understanding that the teenagers
will likely get carried away if they think we are not “on call"
if something
gets out of hand, whether it be drinking, smoking, or sexuality? Sure, they will likely get angry at us
when we “end the party” if it gets out of hand, but think about it, we may be
saving their lives. Albeit, they
will accuse us of “ruining their lives”, but we know better, because we have
the thinking capacity that they DO NOT yet grasp. I always tell parents, adolescents do grow up into adults,
usually around the Sophomore year of college and it’s funny how they then thank
us for “stopping them” when they were that “daring, invincible, teenager”, and
we then feel appreciated and loved, but we have to put off that experience until
they can be on the same page as us, which takes some years of development and
experience.
Being the “bad guy” is an essential
element of parenting. Too many parents are worried that their children won’t
like them if they are “protective”. Get over it. We know better.
We parent out of love, not punishment. We parent to help, not hurt. We worry because they are part of us and we don’t ever want
to lose them. This is our
job. We are their parents AND their
“best” friends and “friends don’t let their friends drive drunk” We have the
capacity to think this way, but they do not as of yet. So, we need to be the ones who can
embrace the concept of loss and keep that in mind always and each day that we
love and parent our children. My
heart goes out to the Capozza Family in the deepest way. I cannot even imagine the pain and
anguish they must be experiencing. But, I will use my empathy for them and
their loss each and every day as I parent my and my friend’s children and
adolescents. I encourage you to do the same, please.
Key Points:
1. Personal experiences with crises are the most meaningful for change and
attentiveness
2. Become aligned with other parents as co-parenting out of love and protection
3. Your job is to be the “Bad Guy”. Don’t fail at this, you may save a life
4. Don’t project adult-like capabilities onto your adolescent – they are still
kids
5. They will thank you later.
You can follow Dr. Kanner on both www.sandiego6.com and www.kanner.tv
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
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