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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live on Monday, October 5th @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning. Check out his website at www.kanner.tv
At present, we have a significant paradox. While at the same time we
are experiencing the “Me” generation, implicit in “taking care of
oneself first, many of our children suffer. We have all heard the
common adage: “you can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of
yourself, first. “ But, this concept has been taken out of context and
has perhaps led to declines in both children’s mental health and
increases in selfish thinking. Many viewers have contacted me with
grave concerns about how good parenting has fallen due to increases in
both personal and materialistic thinking over the past ten years and
Sociologists and Social Psychologists have taught us that changing
societal standards trickle down to generational shifts in terms of how
certain rules and laws perpetuate such standards and then common
routines and social influences follow in step, including family values,
if one lets them. Exercise programs, crash dieting, make-overs, and
other “me-related” advents, have replaced an emphasis on families and
children and how parents need to make that investment into their
children before anything else.
What happened to the age-old concept that children SHOULD come first?
Decades of research have documented the importance of a parent’s
investment in their children with proven data showing that the parents
who are the most invested in their children, espe
cially during infancy through the grade school years, tend to produce
the healthiest offspring. I have always found it amazing that even on
airplanes we are told that “if there is a loss of cabin pressure, put
your oxygen mask on before your child’s”, even though almost any
“invested” parent I know if they were falling from 26 thousand feet,
would focus on calming their child down and attend to them before
worrying about themselves. One mom told me, it would be the same if
your child was drowning in a pool – “you hold your breath and jump in
and save your child – it’s a no brainer – “. But, is it? Perhaps for
some, but not for all.
As with any society, there are a multitude of influences and new trends
sometimes challenge common sense and even good parenting. I agree with
the concept that people need to take good care of themselves, but if
your don’t put your kids before anything else in your life, you fail
them and yourselves. Unlike other animals, the human infant is
completely dependent upon their caregivers for survival, and that
essence of parenting and protection should not stop until the child has
been able to take over those “parental functions” independently, which
typically does not happen until they leave home for college or work,
and even then, parents are still needed.
So, how does one integrate societal shifts and maintain optimal parenting so the welfare of yo
ur child is not compromised?
1. Kids must come first. There seem to be two types of
people. Those who place themselves first, and others who place their
children first. I have serious concerns for any parent who would place
their needs before a child. In fact, I believe we need to educate
children, adolescents, and young adults earlier about the necessity of
parental commitment before they consider beginning a family. This
would include the concepts of “selflessness”; child development; and
the amazing joys of parenting if you do it the right way. Over the past
15 years, there have been more parenting classes offered, not for NEW
parents, but for parents who struggle with their kids. If parental
education started earlier, we would all be better off. Perhaps having a look into the future would provide more of a informed choice to become a parent and those that do not think it's for them, might choose not to and save them and their child from future compromises.
2. Use your parental intuition. Most parents have the
“right” intentions, but sometimes don’t trust themselves based on what
other people might say or do. For example, I have had numerous parents
tell me that they sometimes feel like the “bad guy” for placing limits
on their children as compared to “other” parents, placing them in a
conflict and often “giving in” leading to common problems.
3. Educate yourself about child development. Having a
“roadmap” is always the way to go, or you are going to get lost.
Children and adolescents are complicated and change from sta
ge to stage. If you learn why and what to do, life is easier for
everyone.
4. Listen to your kids. As parents, we tend to talk
more than listen. When we listen to our kids, we learn where they are,
what they feel, and most importantly, what they need from us. But, we
must listen without being judgmental or they won’t talk to us. You
will have your time to guide, just let them finish first.
5. Play with your kids. We are all busy, especially with
a recessed economy. Most of my friends, as well as myself, are working
harder than ever, but we need to remain there for our kids
nevertheless. Balance is key. I am now volunteering everyday at lunch
at my son’s school to coach and play football with them and their
friends and it is the most rewarding part of my day. Not only do I
ensure that they have fun, get exercise, share, take turns, and learn
some football skills, but they all teach me about what their worlds are
like and it helps me help them.
6. Family time. Whether your family is intact or not,
family is family. Even in dual households, family traditions are key
and last a lifetime. Family dinners every night; a reading hour; a
game night; joint exploration – it doesn’t matter what you do, you just
have to do it and do it on a regular basis.
7. Balance is key. Balance eliminates the too much
me”. Extremes cause problems as we all know. Selfish parents produce
angry and selfish children. Parents who understand the true essence of
parenting, see it as the most important investment in the world, plan
accordingly. Working out is necessary, but after the kid’s needs are
taken care of.
One final point. It is easy to get lost in the exhausting, yet
wonderful world of parenting. Those of us who place our kids first,
will affirm that being a mom or dad is the greatest of G—s gifts to
us. But, it goes by really fast. The healthier our children, the
faster they separate from us and leave us for their friends. So, enjoy
it before it’s too late. There will be plenty of time for “me” once
they leave home. In fact, for all you great parents out there, having
activities to help us mourn the loss of parenting will be welcomed and
needed.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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