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Watch Dr. Kanner talk about this live this Monday, August 31 @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning. Also, check out his website @ www.kanner.tv
Background: By the end of this week, most
children
and adolescents will be back to school. Although most parents
took the appropriate measures to prepare them by talking about it and getting
the needed "back to school supplies", nevertheless, going back to
school after summertime represents a significant transition for most kids.
Typically, the first month back after summer is when parents experience the
most significant battles over homework, getting up in the morning, turning off
those cell phones, and being generally cooperative. Such
manifestations are due to the natural feelings that all children and
adolescents experience when going back to school - a combination of frustration
and perhaps some excitement about seeing their friends. The adult
comparison would be going back to work after a vacation where there was an
absence of business problems, meetings, and deadlines.
Adults seem to have an easier time understanding the concept of "Monday
Morning Blues", then being able to put themselves in the shoes of their
children and responding as though they know how they feel. However,
children truly appreciate when their parent can associate with their inner
experiences without them having to express themselves in words.
Remember the days when your child was an infant and as a caring and invested
parent, you could determine what type of cry determined what particular feeling
in them? This was all done without words. Just because a child
develops the capacity to speak does not erase how important it is for parents
to
be able to "read" their child's non-verbal cues to determine their
mental state. In fact, as children develop and strive towards
independence from their parents, they naturally speak less until they get
through the adolescent years, but still rely on that caring parent to
"know them". Here, is where the continual investment of parenting
comes into action - being able to let your child know that you know them and
how they must feel. Even making the attempt to convey your perception is
worth the chance that they may tell you are wrong, but at least you tried and
there is a chance they might actually share what it is they are feeling.
Putting this concept into place comes in handy over this next month. Most
children and teenagers will have some "normal" adjustment issues to
going back to school which could manifest in a number of typical ways: a
refusal to do homework; trouble getting up in the morning; irritability; acting
out; and even some infrequent bed wetting, just to name a few. Each of
these "symptoms" are just that - indicators that your child is experiencing
some very strong feelings about going back to school. How a parent
responds to this "regression" is very important however.
Perhaps the most common parental mistake is to just punish the behavior.
Punishment by itself does not work, but communicate to the child that their
feelings and behavior are both bad. There is a big difference between a
feeling and a behavior. It20is a matter of how feelings are handled and
the role of any parent is to help their child learn how to better manage
feelings, not feel bad about them. When parents merely punish a behavior,
most children then generalize that the feeling was "bad" too and then
a development of guilt over feelings becomes a pathological pattern rather than
the emphasis be placed on appropriate behaviors.
So, if your child is having such a "regression" due to school
resuming, talk to them about how they are feeling and work together with them
to get through the initial "shock period" of getting back into
school. Empathize, share how it was for you when you were a kid, and
help them get their "job" accomplished by encouragement and some
limits if necessary to "help" them manage, not punish them for
feeling frustrated and perhaps saddened that vacation is over for awhile.
Key Points:
1. Most kids will have some normal adjustment issues about going back to
school
2. Help them by talking to them about how you think they must feel
3. Both emphasize and help them stay on track with rewards and limits
4. Punishing behavior by itself is limited in effectiveness
5. Regression typically weans over the first month back to school
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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