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Don't
want to miss this one on Monday, August 24th @ 8:20am on CW 6 News In
The Morning. Be sure to also check out Dr. Kanner's NEW website at
www.kanner.tv
Background: Last
week, a close friend of mine lost his battle with cancer after fighting
the illness for a number of years. Even though we all seemed to know
the eventual outcome of his fate, the loss of him echos in the hearts
and minds of all of us who knew him. Aside from being bombarded with
memories of his laugh, and strong dedications as a father and
professional, we all feel for his spouse and his children and all plan
to be as supportive to them in the weeks and years to come. We also
feel other things as well. Sadness, anxiety, and despair. In fact, we
have all been welling up almost daily since his death. Why? Sure, we
all know that the normal mourning process involves feelings of shock,
sadness, anger, and denial, but this one feels different. Why?
It hit me the other day. This was the first peer that I have lost as
an adult. It seems that we might be better prepared to accept the
eventual loss of the elderly, but to lose someone our own age is
another issue. Perhaps I have been lucky or have many healthy
friends, but the loss of a friend in the same age and developmental
level of life brings up some very important questions for
consideration, most notably, how have I lived my life and am I happy
with who I am and what I do? Midlife, by definition, brings up these
questions typically and leads some into changing their lives (sometimes
for better and sometimes worse), but the loss of a friend, who is a
peer, intensifies this process. We all can get caught up in our
everyday activities from raising children, to building careers, to
trying to be healthy and nice to others, but we often forget to look at
the "big picture".
As I put on my Clinical hat, I know that most content elderly
individuals seem to feel satisfied with their respective lives. The two
types of patients I have learned the most from are adolescents and the
elderly. For the elderly, a sense of accomplishment in life seems to
guide their optimistic attitude as they age and eventually prepare to
pass. But this process is gradual and for most adults in their young
and middle years, are still trying to build this internal sense of
pride and purpose by building their careers, raising their children,
and taking care of friends, parents, and themselves. True happiness involves having a purpose, being a good person, taking care of your family, and being a good friend.
It can be easy to get caught up in drama and conflict, but at the end
of the day, it all boils down to who and what you are. No one is
perfect, we all make mistakes, but as we age, taking a better account
of one's life and making some modifications to live one that we can
reflect back onto in our elderly years and feel as though we "made that
mark", is what research teaches us allows us to pass with less conflict
and actually increases the chances of enjoying the later part of our
lives.
That old saying, we learn from loss, or that we gain from pain, can
both be applied here as my friends and I mourn the loss of Gary. I
think that he would tell us to live, laugh, and learn, but he would
also advocate being a good person and taking care of one's family as
the first priorities. He would also tell us to celebrate life and keep
moving forward, not staying stuck in conditions that are unhealthy. He
was a great man and a great friend. We will miss him dearly, but I
hope his loss will teach us to be more self-aware and that will only
help us all and others. He would smile if we could utilize his loss to
make life better for ourselves and our children.
Key Points:
1. Losing a peer is different than losing a parent or grandparent
2. Loss makes people take an important account of their respective lives
3. Happiness involves: having a purpose, being a good person, taking care of your family, and being a good friend
4. Don't forget to take a step back and look at the "big picture" not just today
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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