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Don't want to miss this one on Monday, August 10th @ 8:20am on CW 6 News In The Morning. Be sure to also check out Dr. Kanner's NEW website at www.kanner.tv
Background: "Be the parent, not their friend". This
common statement and quote is one which we have heard over and over again yet
the duality of approaching children from an adul
t frame of mind continues to be
debated. Some parents claim that by "being their child's friend",
they achieve more compliance and less defiance, while others take a firm
position that parenting needs to be free from friendship and based on authority
helping children and adolescents "calm down" and not get into trouble.
Part of this problem is that anytime one is confronted with an
"either/or" or "black or white" concept, polarity then
causes conflict for it suggests that their is a "right" or
"wrong" way to approach a situation or condition.
I wish parenting was as simple as taking an either/or position, but we all know
that it is just not that simple. Our children need to both respect us and
the world, but also know that we both empathize with them and always "have
their back". This is because children base their decisions on numerous
levels - intelligence, emotion, morals, peer influence, and a sense of how the
important people, namely their parents, relate and feel about them. When
children feel as though they have lost the emotional investment of their
parents, they feel afraid and bad, and almost always then make
self-compromises, such as poor grades, acting out, and frequently develop
various psychiatric conditions. At the root of the most disturbed child
is an internal perception that they are "bad" and "unloved"
despite the reality of how their parents actually treat them. In other
words,many kids, like many adults will project their feelings onto others when
feeling the worst about themselves - "I did this because my mother hates
me". Here, blaming mom feels safer than taking self-responsibility for a
connection to that parent still exists in their minds despite the connection
feeling poor.
Let's look at the definition of friendship and what a true friend should
be: Supportive, loving, empathic, helpful, sensitive, and confrontive
when need be. Do "friends" really let their friends get into
trouble? dive drunk? date the wrong person, etc? Not if they are real
friends. Friends are invaluable for both children, adolescents, and
adults alike, for connecting to one's inner experience is relieving and
calming. Isn't that what parenting is all about? Protecting,
understanding, guiding, sharing, and stopping or confronting when harm comes
into play? I think so. Once again, we get into trouble when we look
at situations without blending sides - grey is the common shade in more
situations than not.
So, what about optimal parenting? Friend or Parent?. I propose a
blend: "Friendly Parenting" Here, the adult is parental
in the sense of holding a child accountable to tasks in vatious developmental
stages that must be accomplished in order to succeed in the world ahead; being
protective and educative, but also the heavy when push comes to shove.
But how about also being empathic, friendly, helpful, and trying to put oneself
in the shoes of the child or adolescent and trying to understand their feelings=0
Aand outlook of the world? Here, the child then feels emotionally held by
their parent while their parent continues to stay focused on helping them stay
healthy and moving forward.
As school is just around the corner, the "Friendly Parent" who both
talks to their child about the plethora of feelings about going back to school
including anger, sadness, but also perhaps excitement about reuniting with
their friends, while at the same time are taking them to Staples or Target to
get their school supplies, will leave a combined sense of "friendship and
love", blended with the parental position of mandating that summer is over
and it's time to get back to work.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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