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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live tomorrow morning, Wednesday May 26, 2009 @ 8:20am on San Diego 6 News In The Morning.
Background: First there is graduation day and then, in just a few months, many San Diego young adults will be
leaving the comfort of their homes, family, and friends to embark upon
a new stage in their lives - "the life of college". On the surface,
many state excitement,relief, and motivation, but just beneath the
surface is some anxiety based on the unknown and having to face the
newfound tasks of Young Adulthood. Going away to college is much more
than merely going to a "bigger" school and having to "work harder". It
involves greater independence and required self-sufficiency which many
have never experienced due to the common and needed involvement of
family helping them with daily tasks such as cooking, laundry, and
finance. Becky, a 17 year old student on her way to University of
Arizona, recently realized that she did not know how to do her own
laundry; Steven, a freshman-to-be at Berkeley, has never owned an alarm
clock because he has been used to his parents waking him up every
morning to get ready for school; Sally, excited about starting UCLA in
the Fall, has never had her own checking account and debit card stating
that this was "something I never really thought about until now";
Peter, has never had a girlfriend or been on a date. In fact, he was so
dedicated to his studies in order to get into Harvard, he never went to
a single party or dance in high school. He recently stated: "how do you
talk to girls?"
Leaving home thrusts the Adolescent into a new stage of
development: Young Adulthood and additionally shifts parents into a
further stage of Middle Adulthood. Both of these new stages involve
greater tasks and adjustment to a new life phase. For the Young Adult,
being on their own makes them more personally accountable and having to
rely on their personal knowledge, experience, and intuition to get
through each and every day. The Young Adult who has greater knowledge
and experience based on some preparedness, tends to adjust better and
faster than the ones who do not have such knowledge. Research indicates
that the adjustment to the first year of college is much more about
adjusting to being independent and outside the comfort of their family,
than the academic requirements of college itself. It is common for the
college freshman to call home frequently, become homesick, ask a lot of
questions, and still need mom and dad to help them adjust to this new
time in their lives. In fact, the students who are least
psychologically and practically prepared can become depressed and in
some cases have to return closer to home to complete their college
experience.
Parents who truly understand this shift and work together in
advance with their growing son or daughter to become prepared, leave
their child in a better condition than the parents who believe that
their job is over and their child is "out of their nest". Sitting down
in advance and having discussions about leaving home, practically
setting up important living essentials, such as a checking account, and
reviewing situations and independent tasks is essential as well as
making more than one visit, if possible, to the new "college home"
prior to leaving in the Fall in order to become better acquainted and
familiar with a new environment. Parents also need to go visit, at
least a few times if possible, during freshman year just to make sure
everything is going well and to be supportive to their son or daughter.
For the parents, having their child leave home is bittersweet.
On the one hand, there is a sense of feeling proud and happy for their
child that they have survived adolescence, but there is also a sense of
loss that a bedroom and place at the dinner table is empty. Coming home
for a holiday is not the same as them living at home - college is their
new home as it represents their future as an independent adult. Here,
the parent is also having to change and grow based on loss. Shifting
into a new stage of adulthood means reviewing life's goals and desires.
For many couples, children leaving home allows for greater intimacy
that had been on hold for a number of years due to the important
investment of parenting. Opportunities can now arise for time together
embarking on reviving aspects in the adult relationship that were
placed on hold. After Tom and Susie dropped off their daughter Zoe at
U.C. Santa Barbara, they decided to take the coast highway home and
ended up spontaneously stopping for two nights in Big Sur for a little
vacation. "Wow, stated Susie, we haven't been able to do that for 17
years! that was fun!".
Changing and shifting developmentally is both exciting and a
little scary. It also involves some mourning of the "old days" which we
see when those high school students and parents cry at graduation and
after dropping off their new adult at college. Families who talk about
these changes and plan ahead accordingly adapt best to these new stages
of development and better relish with new opportunities. Many parents
boast with how mature their child has become when they come to visit
from college. "They seem so grown up......they are actually nice to
us......they help clean up.....they even ask how we are doing.........I
thought none of us were going to make it through Adolescence, but now
we are closer than ever, like we were when they were little
kids.........."
Key Points:
1. going off to college is a complete developmental shift
2. change is both exciting yet scary
3. anticipation and planning ahead is essential
4. relationships with children become more contemporary over time
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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