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Be sure to watch this segment live this Monday, November 27th on FITM @ 8:15a.m.
Background: Three weeks prior to Thanksgiving, one of my closest friends called me to ask advice about a recent crisis involving one of his closest friends. His friend's family was planning to visit them over the Thanksgiving holiday, but his friend was suddenly killed in a freak automobile accident two weeks before the holiday. Nevertheless, his friend's wife and daughter still wanted to keep their plans to visit. The first question my friend asked me was why would they want to still visit given the recency of the accident and the second question was how should they act towards both the wife and the 9 year old child?
In answer to the first question, often when a crisis occurs, the first reaction is often "shock" and the true reality of the condition may not become conscious for as long as a month from the time of the incident. Here, his friend's wife may not yet be experiencing the intense sadness and anger which will later manifest. On the other hand, many individual's who experience loss or crisis will seek out support from trusted others to assist them in getting through their plight. In either case, I encouraged my friend to keep their plans to host his friend's wife and child.
The next important question that was asked was "how should we act towards them? Do we talk about what happened, or do we just go about the activities of the day as usual?". This question has two parts. The first is should adults respond to adults in grief the same way as a young child or differently? and second, what is expected when spending time with friends experiencing grief?
Regarding discussions about grief, it is important to consider that children and adults are in different developmental and psychological states and will manage crises differently. Although the grief process is the same, the capacity to tolerate affects and feelings are different. Understandably, adults are more mature and typically will be able to talk about their feelings more readily, while children experiencing grief are usually in extensive defensive operations in order to continue to cope. In other words, it will take children much longer to talk about their grief experiences than adults and should NOT be pushed to do so. They will open up when ready as long as they are in a supportive and loving environment.
In reference to adults in grief states, it is very important that their friends DO acknowledge their sympathy to them and encourage them to talk if they wish to. Here, the friend is offering a supportive environment to grieve which will assist them in getting through the process and help them get through the initial period of shock.
During the time spent with friends experiencing grief, one must expect inconsistencies in both thought and feeling. Confusion, memory problems, mood swings, irritability, sadness, crying, anger, and even laughter are all expected during the initial phase of a grief reaction. Supportive friends who expect these types of manifestations are both better prepared and helpful by tolerating such alterations in mood and thought. Over time, such emotional swings will lessen and the person will eventually return to their previous state of mind, but this could take up to 6 months.
Although being supportive and available, it is also important that friend's try to keep their suffering friend(s) on track. Here, continuing in daily planned activities, including holiday plans, are important in helping the grieving in witnessing that life continues and when they can experience their capacity to manage everyday tasks, it increases their confidence that they will overcome the crisis and move ahead in their life.
Finally, when helping others work through their grief, it may also reawaken one's own experiences with loss which though saddening, can also lead to a greater awareness and understanding of their friend's experience and provide greater empathy.
Key Points
1. Shock is typically the first stage of grief
2. Support adults to talk about it but NOT young children
3. Children will talk when they are ready and will need support
4. Thoughts and emotions are inconsistent for up to 6 months
5. Keep activities on schedule to help functionality
6. Grief reawakens past experiences which can cause temporary sadness
Dr. Keith Kanner
Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox6 News - San Diego
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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