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Background:
If you have a graduating Senior in your household this year, then you
are experiencing one of the most exciting, yet fearful, experiences
that your child will endure - graduating from high school and leaving
home to some new and unknown place next Fall. As the application
deadlines are quickly approaching, the seniors are busy writing essays,
taking SAT and ACT exams over again to try to increase their scores,
trying to keep up on their normal school work, and unconsciously
wondering what it is going to be like leaving home and living
independently. In addition, they are mourning the loss of the comforts
of home and high school and are also having to consider what will
happen to their current friendships one they leave for college. It is
truly a full plate and depending upon the particular character and
experiences of the person, will determine how he or she will manage the
tasks at hand.
At first glance, many parents will state that their child seems "fine"
or "quiet" and doesn't seem to say much about the upcoming challenges
and changes. This may or may not be a good sign for that child might
be managing the steps at hand or be in a state of denial which is not
ideal. In this case, denial would serve as a reaction to fear and
could cause problems in the process of both completing applications and
preparing to leave home. So, as a parent, how do you determine where
your child is in this process? If you are like many parents, your high
school student has been striving for more independence over the past
few years. Finding out what is really going on in their lives is
tricky for most want to be "left alone" and will actively try to push
you away. As we all know, the parents who take such steps too
personally and actually emotionally distance themselves from their
children create a less than optimal growing environment for their
adolescent where the child feels often abandoned and subsequently will
get into trouble as a way of unconsciously repairing the feared loss of
their parent. On the other hand, those adolescents who do not
differentiate from their parents "enough" feel overly dependent on them
and are equally afraid to venture out on their own. In either of
these "extreme" cases, when regression, or an internal reactions to
stress comes into play, such as when college applications are on the
table, family life can become chaotic and unpleasant for all.
So, how can parents best help their child manage the "normal" anxieties
of getting ready to leave home and complete the application process
before the deadlines expire? The answer is go to them, if they are not coming to you.
Sometimes the college application process brings back harmony in the
adolescent-parent relationship for the child is feeling
independent-enough to work together with their parents as joint parties
after years of mild to moderate opposition, but in other cases, the
adolescent is not ready yet to re-connect with their parent without
feeling too controlled. In either case however, when the parents know
what the tasks are at hand, in this case college applications, and go
to their child and both ask "how it is going" and then offer help, the
adolescent will be more likely to allow you to help if you are both
empathic and not overly controlling. This is one of those important
times to remember that your help should be designed to only help them
as much as they need to too in order to successfully get the task
accomplished. Parents who "take over the application process" convey
to their child that they do not believe they are capable to manage the
process and sends the message that the parent does not have faith in
their child's capacity to manage themselves away from home. As the
college application process is the first step in leaving home, it is
very important that parents work together with their child to prepare
for greater independence NOW, not later.
Ideally then, the senior works in collaboration with their parents in
getting the applications completed, edited, and sent off to the
colleges before the deadlines expire. Some regression is normal (
internal anxiety leading to external compromises, such as apathy), and
here is where the loving and supportive parent can really help by both
encouraging both the application completion and then a greater focus on
helping their child feel competent about leaving home and surviving
away from home.
Over the next 6 months, Your Family Matters will focus on the process
of helping your college senior prepare to leave home so their initial
experience in college will be more rewarding than stressful. But
first, help them get those applications in before the deadlines.
Key Points:
1. The college application process is the first reality step in leaving home
2. Most Seniors are both excited but also nervous
3. If too nervous, applications might be difficult to complete
4. Parents need to go to them and offer help
5. Once completed, practice is needed to build independent confidence
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show HostYour Family Matters
San Diego 6 News In The Morning
San Diego Living Show
2008 Winner: IMedia Parenting Award for Television - Disney, Inc.
2009 Winner: Man Of The Year In Medicine & Healthcare - ABA
Host/Extra Life Changers - EXTRA TV
Anchor/Host: Dr Kanner & Kompany - WSRadio-San Diego
XETV l Bay City Television, Inc.
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
(619) 261-2346
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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